Why comparing yourself can knock your confidence

Why comparing yourself can knock your confidence

Comparison has a place…

Compare the meerkat, oops I mean market, is a great site isn’t it. It gives you confidence in your decision by letting you compare insurance policies based on all their different benefits and features. It’s useful to compare insurance in this way because at the end of the day, you want value for money and the policy that is right for you. There are comparison sites for lots of other things too; Broadband, TVs, cars, holidays, computers. But can you imagine if there was one for people!

It might look something like this:

Linda Saskia Maria
Nice hair y n n
Funny y n y
Slim n y n
Popular y y n
Kind n y y
Generous y n n
Confident y n y
Clever y n n
Wealthy y n y
Attractive n y n
Successful y y n
Thoughtful n y y
Warm y n n
Good friend y n y
Fun y n n
Brave y n y
Adventurous n y n
Creative y y n
Collaborative n y y
Honest y n n
Reliable y n y

 

How would it feel to see yourself judged in this way? Or see those you care about judged in this way? What effect might it have? Well it might upset you to see that you weren’t a ‘yes’ for things you wanted to be a ‘yes’ for. And those ‘no’s’ would become your focus, never mind all the fantastic yes’s you had. This may really affect your confidence.

This is because we are sensitive souls and the mind has a negative bias so it finds it easier to focus on anything negative. Yes, positive thinking takes work. But the good news is that when you do it often it becomes more automatic, but more on that later.

You might then look at the list if you are Saskia and despite the fact that you have been ‘judged’ as being popular, kind and creative you might be jealous that Linda is considered confident and clever. This might make you, Saskia, feel like you are not as good as Linda.

You find it easy to overlook all that is good about you and everything that your friends and family love about you because you are comparing yourself to Linda.

So how might this comparing yourself to others make you feel? You might feel:

 

  • Inferior
  • That you lack confidence
  • Unsure of your best qualities
  • Intimidated by Linda

And as a result you might not shine as yourself, feel lost or retreat and feel unhappy.

We are often least kind to ourselves

Now the funny thing is, we are more brutal with comparing ourselves to others than comparing those we love to others. When we have our love goggles on, we tend to recognise the positive qualities of those we love more easily than our own.

I bet if I said to you now tell me 5 things you really like about someone you love, you could do it in seconds ,but how easily can you do it for yourself? Go on, grab a pen and do it now! Let me know how you get on (I am genuinley interested).

 

The more we focus on the good, the less the bad matters….

Bad witch

 

 

 

 

So back to compare the market.com. When we are comparing our insurance, there will be some things that are more important than others. Maybe you can’t live without a courtesy car, or the thought of a large excess fills you will dread, so it’s good to understand what all these things are.

You might make a call to have a chat about some of the policy features and decide that yes that is important to you. You know that when you know your policy priorities you can feel really happy and you have confidence that you have made the right choice

Well people are similar in that we all have inner values which are most important to us. Many people haven’t a clue what theirs are! This is a big piece of the work I do when I see clients in my Hypnotherapy practice in West Sussex and worldwide on Skype.

Many of my clients are what I call ‘out of sorts’. They’ve lost their way and don’t feel like they know themselves and they need some ‘realignment’. We do values work so that they can identify parts of their life which may be conflicting with these values. When you truly understand your values and know yourself better you will just feel ‘more you’. Your decisions and behaviours will be easier to align to your true self and life will be better.

There’s another benefit to knowing yourself. As well as knowing your strengths, it is good to be aware of your shadows. Those quirks and qualities that give you your unique edge and your vulnerability. When you know yourself you will live your life with much more confidence.

Tiger focuses on golf

An example I always use here is education. We expect students to do well in all the subjects and some do. But if you are really amazing at Maths but not English, are you better to focus your energy on the maths or English? Which will make you feel better? Which will you excel at?

I’m not saying that education isn’t important, but can you imagine if they had said to Tiger Woods, ‘yeah, you are really good at golf, but you should be better at tennis so why don’t you spend your time playing tennis!’.

He did what he was good at and had passion for and he excelled. Does he or anyone else care that he isn’t good at tennis? I doubt it!

We are not meerkats (or car insurance)

So continue to compare the market by all means, get the courtesy car and free windscreen repair for a bargain price and wait for your meerkat to arrive in the post, but don’t compare yourself to others. There really is no need. You have good stuff and not so good stuff about your personal qualities and how you look, but unless you are planning on having cosmetic surgery or a personality transplant you are what you are.

Those who love you will love you for what you are and you just need to join you own fan club and celebrate all that is unique, wonderful and special about you.

If you need to know what is special about you just ask your loved ones to make a list of 5 things they love about you and that will be a good start to feeling good about yourself.

 

How I can help you?

If you want to do some work with me, then please get in touch and let’s start your journey of getting to know you and building your confidence.

How to feel less anxious in times of uncertainty

How to feel less anxious in times of uncertainty

How to feel less anxious in times of uncertainty

If you suffer from anxiety or depression, you might find yourself worrying more during times of uncertainty like the UK election results today. I had an influx of anxious and depression clients in my Hypnotherapy clients following Brexit, but we were able to calm emotions down with the techniques that I teach people.

The thing with uncertainty is that it makes people feel out of control. And when you feel out of control this can cause fear and from fear comes anxiety along with other symptoms like IBS, stress and sleep issues.

And there are plenty of things in life to give us those feelings of uncertainty. Like job losses, recession, separation, relationship breakdowns, financial trouble and ill health to mention but a few.

Scientists have proved that there are two types of uncertainty. The one we can prepare for and the one we are just stuck with. And they feel very different with the uncertainty we can’t do anything about being more stressful than the one we can.

Unpredictability is a great stressor. Studies in the 1960s and 1970s showed that rats and humans suffer more when given an unexpected small electrical shock than those who can predict when a zap is coming. And in a 2006 study, people rated the pain as more unpleasant than when they knew what to expect when they were zapped with unpredictable electric shocks to their hands.

If I had a pound for every time these words are used in my therapy room I would have a very heavy piggy bank:

  • Control
  • Worried
  • Scared
  • Anxious
  • Trapped
  • Exhausted

So how can you feel different?

change your thoughts

Now, we are emotional creatures and this is a gift. Without the full range of emotions we couldn’t experience joy and pleasure and we all want some of that don’t we? But it becomes a problem when the negative emotions don’t seem to give you a break and stop you living a ‘normal’ life. Let’s not forget that many people will be feeling pleased about the election result.

It might not feel like it, but anxiety actually exists to keep you safe. It goes right back to caveman days where if a predator animal came along, caveman would get anxious and prepare to fight or run. So a bit of andrealin which is released into the body is useful for both of those things. The trouble is that the brain can get confused about ‘danger’ and generate this fight or flight reaction unnecessarily which can be stressful and exhausting.

So maybe you would like to try some of these things to feel less anxious during uncertain times:

  1. Try some diaphramic breathing to get in a relaxed state. Relaxation is the hub of feeling in control
  2. Watch my video here for changing how you feel about something that currently bothers you
  3. Think about a situation of uncertaintity from 5 years ago. What happened? Was everything ok? What did you learn from that?
  4. Focus on the things that give you joy. When I work with clients we really dig into this so that their joy list is clear and they visit it often. The more you focus on the things that bring you joy, the less time and energy you will give to thinking about things that don’t bring you joy
  5. Get the right sort of help. If you have had years of counselling, it might be time to try something different. After my 4 session programme, your life will feel very different

‘The only certainty is uncertainty’ – John Allen Paulos

By learning to be calm and in control of your own emotions during tough times, you will be more resilient. And this means that you will find uncertainty less traumatic and problematic as you navigate through life. Thankfully, we don’t have an election very often 🙂

I would love to hear from you by phone on 07530 890089 or email or on Facebook

Sending you resilent thoughts

Honey

x

 

 

 

Can you guess how many people have social anxiety?

Can you guess how many people have social anxiety?

Can you guess how many people have social anxiety?

Many people with problems like depression, and anxiety worry that they are odd in some way or in the minority, but it is said that one in three people suffers from depression and one in four has anxiety at any time in life.

And social anxiety is said to affect up to 40% of the general public! Social anxiety is when social encounters or situations cause you distress and worry.

So what are the signs of social anxiety?

 

Do any of these situations feel familiar to you?

 

A friend’s party

You have been invited to a friend’s birthday party but you don’t really know many people there, you have said that you will go but in the weeks and days leading up to the event you worry about it and you feel anxious about it. On the day itself you can’t go through with it and end up cancelling which upsets your friend but you would rather that than go through with the party.

A work event

Or maybe you have a work event coming up and you will need to socialise with people from work. Which feels so much harder than actually working with the same people! You create disaster scenarios in your mind of all the ways that you might embarrass yourself or make a mistake and on the day itself, you go along because you HAVE to really. But you find yourself being very quiet and leaving as soon as politely possible. When you get back to home or work you feel relived but annoyed with yourself for not showing the people you work with the best of yourself, but you just couldn’t relax at the time.

Dating

And let’s not even talk about dating! That carries a whole host of issues around worrying what you look like, where you will meet them, what you will say and maybe you are worried about eating and drinking in front of people.

Public speaking

And possibly the biggest scariest thing you have to face which will make you have social anxiety is public speaking. Just the thought of it throws some people into a spin. And once the day you are doing it is announced you can spend weeks sweating, worrying and working yourself into a frenzy. You might be physically sick before the event or have a mouth so dry it feels like you can’t speak at all. Your hands might feel like leaves in the wind and you might have tightness in the chest and short shallow breathing. What a nightmare!

The common themes

Most things that induce social anxiety will involve concerns about being judged by others, making yourself look silly, being self-conscious and feeling a lack of confidence. People with social anxiety disorder may worry about these and other things for weeks before they happen. Sometimes, they end up staying away from places or events where they think they might have to do something that will embarrass them.

What causes social anxiety disorder?

Social anxiety disorder sometimes runs in families, but no one knows for sure why some family members have it while others don’t. Researchers have found that several parts of the brain are involved in fear and anxiety. By learning more about fear and anxiety in the brain from a qualified professional, you will better understand why the issue occurs and then you can do something about changing it. Sometimes stress and environmental factors may play a role.

So what can you do to help yourself if you suffer from social anxiety?

 

 

 

There are some practical ways that you can help yourself:

  • Believe in yourself
  • Master your breathing. Breath slowly and calmly
  • Have in mind in advance 2 or 3 interesting things to talk about. Maybe current affairs or a recent movie or something from TV. This gives you a way to connect with people without talking about yourself to begin with
  • Don’t set yourself unrealistic goals such as having to talk to lots of people. Even if you attend and just speak to one or two people that is a success
  • Attend for a short time. This means to have fulfilled your obligation, built your confidence for next time and showed your face
  • Try and speak to someone early on. The longer you leave it the more uncomfortable you might get
  • Take the focus off you by taking an interest in other people. Many people like to talk about themselves so you can let them shine
  • If you are at an organised event, It’s perfectly fine to say ‘I don’t know anyone here, could you introduce me to..?’
  • Most hosts will want to help because they want their event to be a success
  • You could get to know people before you attend something via social media so you are not ‘going in cold’

Professional, supportive and confidential help is available for anxiety in Worthing, Shoreham and across Sussex and Worldwide on Skype

You may benefit from some professional support like Hypnotherapy to remove anxiety and gain confidence. This is what I help people with, week in and week out. I help people feel less anxious about, well, almost anything. With the anxiety out of the way, we then work on the confidence and life is very different.

So once you’ve lost your social anxiety, what do you have to gain?

  1. You will have a bigger network. The benefits of face to face networking are famous in business. It’s one of the best ways to build trust, create relationships, get advice and find out ‘the word on the street’. It’s a superb way to build your personal brand and credibility
  2. You will go to more places and have more experiences
  3. You will be more comfortable around strangers and as a result find it easier to make new friends
  4. You might do better at work by building better relationships and spending time socially with your colleagues
  5. You can support other people who are struggling
  6. You might meet the love of your life
  7. You will be far more confident

‘No one puts baby in the corner’

dirty dancing

If you don’t know this line, it’s from a film called Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze wants ‘baby’ (his girlfriend) to show off her dancing. Once you lose your social anxiety who knows what you will be ready to show off?

 

 

Please get in touch for a free consultation if you want to see how I can help you come out of the corner.

Sending you confident vibes.

Honey

x

 

 

 

 

 

Does your fear of flying make holidays a nightmare?

Does your fear of flying make holidays a nightmare?

Does your fear of flying make holidays a nightmare?

Are you a nervous flyer? Is it the fear of being out of control or the fear of crashing that bothers you? You are not alone; it is estimated that 1 in 6 people have a fear of flying. And the extent of the fear can range vary greatly:

  • Worrying about an upcoming flight
  • Feeling nervous and shaky at the airport
  • Crying, shallow breathing and intense fear on the flight
  • Panic attacks in the lead up to or on the flight
  • Fear so great it stops you flying at all

Sometimes the fear can have been in place for a long time or even a lifetime which makes it hard for you to believe that you can get rid of it. But you absolutely can! Hypnotherapy is well known for helping people overcome fears and phobias and it is very effective as a treatment to remove fear of flying.

The treatment I offer is a mix of Hypnotherapy, Psy-Tap and NLP for very powerful and permanent results. And happy holidays! Often the fear can be removed in one session, two at the most.

Often flying is not the fear

The unconcious mind will always act in what it believes to be in your best interest to keep you safe. It can link unrelated events to fears and phobias and your concious mind doesn’t know or recognise this,  but you know you are scared even if you don’t understand why. Removing fear of flying or other fears often has more benefits than just being able to fly without fear. You will feel lighter, happier and more free than you have in a long time, because you have offloaded and gained confidence that you can overcome issues.

What adventure would you love to experience if you no longer had a fear of flying?

Taj Mahal

Is there somewhere you’ve always wanted to go on holiday?  See the Grand Canyon, the Great Barrier Reef or the Taj Mahal? Or relax in Thailand or see the big five in Africa?

 

 

Or maybe you want the dream honeymoon without the nightmare flight?  Or maybe you’ve been invited to a wedding or celebration abroad and would love to go? Or maybe you’ve got your eye on a job which has international travel and your fear of flying has stopped you going for it?

 

family reunionOr maybe you have family abroad and you would love to visit them, see where they live and spend time hanging out with them and their friends and family. In 2017 distance shouldn’t be a problem to nurturing those valuable relationships and neither should a fear of flying.

 

 

 

I can help you overcome your fear of flying very easily

I use Hypnotherapy, Psy-Tap and NLP to help you rapidly and effectively overcome your flying phobia, no matter how extreme. You will be booking your adventure soon after your session/s.

Although every client is unique, fears and phobias stand together as FEAR – False Evidence Appearing Real. The brain doesn’t know the difference between fiction and truth so whether it’s a fear of flying, spiders, heights, public speaking, confined spaces or whatever, the theory of the treatment is the same.

To book your appointment and start your life of adventure please get in touch by email 

I can see you in my Hypnotherapy practice in West Sussex which covers the areas of Worthing, Lancing, Shoreham, Brighton, Ferring, Findon and Angmering or Worldwide on Skype in the comfort of your own home.

If you know someone that you would love to come on holiday with you but they won’t because they are scared of flying please share this blog with them.

The life changing secrets of Hypnotherapy

The life changing secrets of Hypnotherapy

The life changing secrets of Hypnotherapy

It’s big thing to say change you can change peoples lives. Surgeons can say it, the people at lottery HQ can say it and maybe Apple can say it! But why can a Hypnotherapist say it?!

It’s unlikely that everyone makes it through life without encountering some sort of issue. Issues like:

Stress which can be work related, relationship related or simply life related and untreated stress can lead to depression

 

Anxiety which can manifest in many ways including post traumatic stress disorder, social phobia and panic attacks
 
Grief related to someone passing away or the loss of something important to you

 

Poor sleep which can really disrupt everything in your life

 

Depression which can affect anyone and create a cloud in your life. There is a useful factsheet here about depression

 

Uncertainty about life direction which can really make you feel lost

 

Emotional pain which can lurk for years but refuse to go away until it’s dealt with

 

Phobias which are sometimes irrational but life affecting

 

Weight gain which affects your confidence or self esteem 

 

Overcoming issues

 

So how do people overcome these issues? The most popular adage is that time is a great healer. I would argue here that in many cases the unconcious mind buries the issue and it often appears later in an unwanted behaviour or emotion.

If time healed everything I wouldn’t see so many clients that were affected by issues and traumas that occured years ago or even  in childhood. This pain is often disguised by the person telling themselves that they dealt with everything and their depression, anxiety or weight gain have happened because of another reason.

You could ride the issue out of course. This can take 1, 10,20,30 years! You can find all sorts of workarounds to avoid exposing the issue and live a life with exceptions because of the issue. You won’t know how long the issue will last and the longer you carry it, the more ingrained it becomes as a habit which might make you feel frustrated and upset. But it might go. One day.

You could go for counceling, CBT or other therapies and these work for many people but often the number of sessions is high which can be a big time and cost investment. I have a blog post about the difference between Counselling and Hypnotherapy here.

Sometimes people find that these kind of therapies don’t help and my view on this is that this may be down to when we talk about our issues, we relive them.  This gives the brain another experience of the issue to use as evidence that we have an issue. (Stick with me here). You also get another experience to remind you how the issue make you feel rather than the opportunity to experience a different feeling about the issue, which is how Hypnotherapy works. The brain carries a negative bias (meaning it finds it easier to think negatively than positively) so if you remind it of a negative experience or feeling it will focus on that. If you give your brain positive feelings and thoughts it will be pulled in that direction instead.

Interupted sleep

You could ignore the issue. An issue will pop up in the most unexpected of ways until you deal with it. The good news is that when an issue won’t go away until you resolve it, it will keep reminding you until you do. Notice these signs if you can so that anxiety doesn’t turn to depression or that food doesn’t become your solace etc.

So how does Hypnotherapy change lives?

 

When I started offering Hypnotherapy I underestimated it. People would come, I would make them feel better and they would be happy, get rid of their phobia, feel less depressed, overcome their anxiety, give up smoking whatever. But over the years as I have developed my Hypnotherapy skills, introduced Harley Street techniques and continued to use NLP at Master level I have seen many lives ‘change’.

Becoming a non-smoker

Take a smoker. Many smokers have tried to give up smoking a fair few times and feel frustrated and desperate to kick the habit but just can’t do it by themselves. They do some research and the idea of Hypnotherapy comes to them. They have their treatment and stop smoking easily. They are healthier, wealthier and free of the habit. It’s the easiest way to give up.

Losing weight

For some people losing weight changes their lives. They find that once they lose weight they have more energy and maybe start exercising. Maybe they find the confidence to do new things, go to new places, get a partner or a new job. Losing weight with Hypnotherapy can change people’s lives in many ways. And when I help you lose weight with Hypnotherapy, I build in healthy eating habits, portion control and confidence. And if necessary we fully explore the reasons for your weight gain or overeating and make that a thing of the past.

Being free of depression

freedom from depression

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you suffer from depression you may feel like you are living under a dark cloud; like you can’t get motivated to do anything or really enjoy your life. Can you imagine how your life would change if you didn’t feel depressed? What would be different for you? Maybe your social life would be different or you would achieve more of the things that you really want to do. Or maybe your relationships would be better or you would just be much happier. Living without depression is definitely life changing.

Overcoming anxiety

Anxiety sufferers can be the most enthusiastic about their life changes! What’s not to like about a life without panic attacks, sweats, shortness of breath or routines you have to run because you feel controlled by your anxiety. I use a blend of techniques to help my anxiety clients and sometimes it can take as little as one session to remove anxiety they have carried for years (although I don’t guarantee one session because there should not be that expectation and every case in individual). I also provide all my anxiety clients with a maintenance plan so they have the confidence to know that they are in total control, whatever comes their way.

Live longer by dealing with stress

Now I don’t want to use scare tactics here but they do actually say that stress is the ‘silent killer. It is unbelievable how many people are living with stress to different degrees. You don’t need to be a stressful job or a turbulent relationship to suffer from stress (although these probably aren’t helpful to anyone). The definition of stress is how you cope in any given situation. So you could be stressed by normal life, family, work or even boredom. Hypnotherapy is deeply relaxing. It takes you to a calm place you may not have connected with before and just like going to the gym to exercise your body muscles, the more you exercise your mind ‘calm’ muscle, the stronger it gets. This means that you find it easier to remain calm and harder to be stressed. Hypnotherapy treatment for stress is more than just feeling relaxed, I help my clients look at their stress triggers and alternative ways to cope with those triggers. When you have less stress in your life this can be life changing if you sleep better, lower your blood pressure, have less anger and better relationships. You can also think more clearly and you are likely to be more creative as creativity is located in the unconscious mind which is present where you are relaxed.

So Hypnotherapists really do change lives. It’s a very rewarding job and every client’s success means that I never tire of this work and training and developing further.

How can I help you change your life?

  • Your starting point might be to try my free relaxing download by signing up to my newsletter
  • You might be fed up of living with your issue and want to take action NOW. So send me an email and I will give you a call to have a chat and make an appointment

I can wait to see what your new life looks like 🙂

Sending you magical vibes.

Honey

x

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